Thursday, October 26, 2006

What in the world...?

Sometimes I sit down to write a new post and I have no idea what to talk about...I mean, I got nothing. Well, that's not entirely true. I reckon that I have plenty to talk about, but its stuff that I don't necessarily feel the need to share with everyone. There exists a fine line between being authentic and using a public forum to say things that I am too afraid to say in private conversation. This blog could easily become my crutch to get a point across without having to look a person in the eye, without having my heart connect with their's, without risking too much, and I want to guard against that...not because I'm that noble or brave or honest, but because I treasure the private conversations and those that I engage with more than any other human to human interaction. Talking and knowing those that I deeply care for is my joy and peace.

When I don't get time with those people, two things happen.

One, I get insecure, wondering if they want to spend time with me as I do them, wondering if I've ticked them off or overstepped or gotten on their last nerve...its an insecurity that I haven't been able to shake yet, but God is at work, teaching me to trust Him and trust in who He has made me to be, to not believe lies from the enemy, and to be honest with people to let them know that I miss them when they are not around or when they peace out or lay low. Maybe others need to know that someone misses their company just as much as I need to know that.

Two, I get bummed out. Quality time with dear friends is so precious to me, and when its lacking it makes me sad. I get bored, and that's really dangerous because then I get antsy and frustrated and curt...and something exists within me that needs to be encouraging people often, and if that doesn't happen then I start to feel useless and purposeless...and that sucks, real bad.

And if you knew my friends (as some of you are!) you would know why I long to spend time with them. Those closest to me, and its just a handful, are some of the loveliest, kindest, most passionate people that I've ever known. You love and laugh and cry and serve with great honesty and simplicity. You do your thing despite fear or weakness. You are more beautiful in your words and actions and motivations that in your outward appearance, and that's saying a great deal. You are ever faithful to the Lord and to those He has put in your life.

You are scattered all over the world, yet you will always remain in my heart.

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