Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Confession

I'm tired of being single. There, I said it...this single thing has been alright for the past 26 years, but now its getting a little old. Ok, a LOT old. Some days I don't mind so much, especially when I'm super busy or exhausted or when I see a screaming child in the grocery store lying on his back and writhing in a hissing fit because his mom won't buy him that pizza lunchable...I mean for real, people...

But then there are other days...those days when my phone doesn't ring much, when all I need is for someone to hug me good, when I see myself in the eyes of every little one that looks my way, when I see couples holding hands, when it seems that everyone in my life is married or getting married or seriously dating...those are the days when the wave of singleness washes me out to a rough sea--into a storm that I've weathered before but am not sure I have the strength to endure again. And if one more person mentions that they have a brother or a nephew or a cousin or a friend that they'd like for me to meet, I just might take a vow of celibacy to shut them up. "No thanks, I've decided to be single forever."

Sometimes I wish I wanted to be single forever--at least then I wouldn't struggle so much with it and could accept this lot in life with a little more grace. But no matter how badly I wish I felt that way, it makes me want to cry just thinking about it. I'd rather lose an arm then be single forever. I'm not kidding...

So of course, I wonder why I want to be married in the first place...why give up a ton of independence? Why tie yourself to someone who could cause you immense pain, who could die or become paralized or sick and totally depend on you for everything? Why share everything you worked so hard for yourself? Why have kids that could break your heart and suck your bank account dry?

I think the answer is because in a great marriage, the Lord is there. I mean, yes, He is with you always, but I think He is evidenced in the way a husband loves his wife and in the way a wife respects her husband. His heart for us is expressed in a couple's love and desire for one another. Marriage is the closest physical example of our spiritual relationship with the Lord. It exemplifies His passion for us, His love for us, His desire to know us and see us and be with us. Marriage is something He created (crazy!) and requires a level of commitment second only to our commitment to Him, and His to us. Marriage is a beautiful picture of grace, forgiveness, mercy, love, passion, honesty, peace, faithfulness...as is the Lord.

I know marriage is not easy, but neither is being single. Loneliness is a hard road walk and a ragged pill to swallow...even when the Lord is in your life.

So I'm tired of it, of this single thing...really tired.

However, lessons learned--God is still good, even when I don't feel good, and He is faithful, even when I am "ye of little faith", and He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, and He is the lover of my soul, my Lord and my King, my great sustainer and my peace. Jehovah Shalom--the Lord is my peace--and if He wants me single for awhile, I'll trust Him...I might not always like it (and I might, at times, totally HATE it), but He is good and His love endures forever...thank you Lord that your love endures forever.

2 comments:

StephyJune said...

I hear you my dear sweet friend. You know exactly how much I hear you. I am praying for you! hang in there... just imagin what God has planned for you. I can't wait to see it!
I love you buddy!

Anonymous said...

Thank you KT...I am right where you are at. Some days are harder/easier than others. I feel you completely...Some days I just want a hug or someone waiting on me when I get home from work to find out how my day was. Loneliness is a battle I face everyday; even in the midst of a million great friends. I am praying for you and want you to know that I love you. I am glad that you are here. At least for a little while.
Love, Heather