Friday, March 16, 2007

Oh ye of little faith

Nine months ago I made a major decision. After dislocating both my shoulders, having surgery, losing my job, losing most of my money to pay for hospital bills, moving home, breaking up with the man I thought I might marry, forgoing my four years in Spain, and crying more than a person probably ought to, I decided sought the Lord in prayer and decided to go back to school for nursing. After a bit of research, I learned that UNC had a 14 month BSN program for students already holding a Bachelors degree, and I only needed 4 classes to meet the required prerequisites. So I made a major decision.

I moved to Asheville, signed up for those classes at the local community college, found an amazing church, and applied to UNC--only UNC--as I truly believed that is where God wanted me, so I tossed my Duke and AB Tech applications and finished all my UNC stuff at the 11th hour. Then it was all in their hands...and ultimately, in the Lord's hands.

After applying, I learned some things about being accepted into this its really competitive--really really they only accept 30 its one of the hardest program to get in to...and I started to lose hope.

I started to forget how God had led me. I started to have little faith in my abilities and in His. I started to think of what I would do if I didn't get in, and the only thing I could come up with was to cry.

I was so afraid to hope that I'd in get because the disappointment of being rejected would be so overwhelming, and I was done being overwhelmed.

So while everyone was telling me, "Oh, you will get in, don't worry," I worried.

Then a few days ago, on my way to the doctor's office, we stopped by the mail box and there was a letter from UNC. With trembling hands I opened it, and my stomach dropped.

"Congratulations!" was the first word I read, and I knew it was all good. Immediately I thought, "I am of little faith." My acceptance into UNC proved that I can trust God in how He leads me, which is an awesome thing. His plans are good...but it kind of sucks that it took this to get me to believe that.

When I look at my life now compared to 9 months ago, I see why He took all those things away. He had other plans, and this was the only way I would see them. His ways certainly are not my ways, but they are good ways and true ways and they have a purpose.

So I'll be moving to Chapel Hill the first of May after my classes here are finished, and I'll be starting school May 15, all because of may my studies be through Him and for Him and to Him. That's the only way I fly.

Friday, March 09, 2007

My favorite Psalm

If You oh Lord kept a record of sin, oh Lord, who could stand?
But with You there is forgiveness, therefore You are feared
I wait for the Lord my soul waits and in His word I put my hope
I wait for the Lord, more than watchmen wait for the morning
More than watchmen wait for the morning
Oh Israel, put your hope in the Lord
For with the Lord is unfailing love
And with Him is full redemption.

Psalm 130

When I get a little money, then I might get this as my next tatoo...but in Hebrew, around my ankle...I can't wait.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007


Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

Often I've heard this verse, but this morning, I want to delight in God not for any other reason but to please Him, that He would rejoice over me with singing because He likes it when His kids spend time with Him.

This weekend I spent at home with my parents, and at the end of our time together, my mom said, "I'm not ready for you to go!" That made my day, and it seems that somehow I made her's as well.

I think maybe its similar with God...that He likes us to be around, to talk to Him, to delight in Him, and He doesn't like when we go.

So Father, may these melodies rise up to You! May I leap off the walls to get to You! For You are good...and Your love endures forever.


Monday, March 05, 2007


Often quoted, "There is nothing to fear but fear itself." True or not, its an interesting concept, and while its nice to think of an easy life void of fear, it certainly is not a reality for me.

When I look back at my life, I see how fear has driven me away from God and into a net of false security that lies in my controlling everything and not taking chances. In light of that, my prayer for the past months has not been that I wouldn't be afraid, but that I would be brave in the face of fear.

Fear won't ever go away because new situations arise, unpredictable things will occur, and the unknown is frightening. However, one's response to said fear is what matters.

For example, I know that moving to a Muslim country is not the safest move and not the move that will "make" my career as a nurse. Its a scary move that might even lead to death. I tell people where I want to go, and they think I'm crazy. I know I'm not crazy, and I'm not stupid. I know the risks, and I know there is reason to fear. I mean, really, who wants to be lashed for not following Allah (or for consuming alcohol, or for showing your ankles...)? And I'm sure that at one point or another I will be afraid, even very afraid.

However, through God's grace, I can make it. I can live out the truth that to live is Christ and to die is gain. I can look fear straight on and not be overcome. In Him, I can be brave. For Him, I will be brave, and the peace of God which trancends all understanding will guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.

There is a woman in the book of 2 Kings, simply called a wise woman of the town of Abel. David's army seiges the town trying to find one man, and this woman stands up to the general of the army for the sake of the people in that town, giving them the one they want and saving the lives of many.

Twice she is called wise and is said to speak with wisdom. She speaks to a man of great rank, putting her own life on the line. It would be like me walking up to General Swartzkopff and telling him I'll get him Bin Laden if he'll just stop the fightening in Afghanstan. I mean, who does that, right? Yet this woman did...and I can't forget her. She has no name, but a legacy as a wise, brave woman who interceded for the innocent.

My prayer is that I will be that brave, that wise, and that willing to stand in the gap for justice. I hope, by grace, I will have that chance, and that I will crush fear under my feet...for the sake of the gospel...for the sake of God's reputation...and for the sake of people's lives.

Friday, March 02, 2007

I'd rather die...

I went on a date this past week and it was awful...we got into a huge fight, he said some pretty mean things, and I realized something. Praise God I realized something.

I realized that I'd rather die in an Arab country for the sake of Jesus then spend my life settled here in the States in a comfortable, stable, normal life. I don't want a house, I don't want a nice car, I don't want a picket fence...granted, a dog doesn't sound half bad, but I certainly don't need one...and sure, I'd like a husband, but right now I'm not willing to forsake my dreams of serving Him overseas for a guy. I'm not! And while I enjoy the company of men very much, I only have one life, and I can't take a husband into eternity.

My friend Chris showed me a video he made from his trip to Uganda, and in an interview, a Ugandan man who just turned his allegiance to Christ sent a message to us here in America. He said that his country has no food, no money, no jobs, no peace, but because Americans came to tell them about Jesus, they have peace. He said he knew God through them and was set free, and that we must continue to fund people to go and tell others about Jesus. His country needs people to tell them about Jesus.

What an awesome message to send us, right? I hope we listen...

So I'm finally to the point that God's call to go overseas far outweighs anything else--any other dream I have.

Truly, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

My prayer is that the truth of this verse will consume me, and that God's Spirit would guide me in deciding where to go...that I wouldn't be swayed by fear, that I would be driven by love, that I would count all things loss, that I would pray...

That I would go...please God, send me.