Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Bring on the Percocet

If you've never woken up from an anesthesia-induced slumber, then you truly haven't experienced the twilight zone. I woke up today from said slumber, burst into tears and cried, "How am I going to pay for this?" referring, of course, to the surgery just performed on my shoulder to repair an anterior labral tear. After several hours, 2 Percocet, and a nap later, I found myself propped up in a huge lounge chair watching the FIFA World Cup at my folks house, wondering what the next few months would entail. There are a lot of question marks right now, but also a few certainties. I know for sure that I have amazing friends that love me, a family that will never let me fall too far, and a God that I worship who has to have a plan for me and without whom I would just die and just be dead on the floor, killed by deadly chaos. I also know that, right now, life without Percocet would be unbearable, so thank the Lord for a good prognosis, for a great doctor, and a tiny white pill that is making my day.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Body shots

For the past 8 days I've heard the word "body" in more contexts then I knew possible. My dad teased, "Your body is just falling apart," after I'd commented, "Gosh, my body just hurts everywhere." This was in response to my little accident in the river and the subsequent injuries and what-not caused by said accident. At church we took communion, hearing, "This is my body, broken for you," a phrase still drives me to my knees in humility and gratitude. Since Hungry announced that we're becoming a church plant, over and over I've heard, and said, that the church isn't a building but a body, a group of people living life together. Awesome, and how grateful I am to be part of that.

And I've seen, more then ever, how these three bodies all fit together. My body isn't right, so I have surgery tomorrow to fix it. Yet my pain is minimal compared to that which Jesus suffered for my sake. His pain, both physical and mental, was anguish, and I don't know anguish...I just know pain. And he bore it all willingly so that eventually all the pain that I feel will end. His body was broken so that my broken body, and soul, might heal.

And through His brokenness a new thing started, this thing called the Body, the church--a group of people living life together...one that isn't perfect and screws up all the time, but will continue to be driven by love for Him and one another. I've seen this body at work at a time when I needed it. Through emails and phone calls and gentle hugs and kind words, the Body has loved on me and reminded me that I am not forgotten.

So I say thank you to my friends who have so graciously and even sacrificially loved me through the shadows and the deep valleys. I love ya'll and am so so thankful for you. And now we're on this new adventure with Hungry that I pray will only allow us to know and love each other more as we seek out the face of our Lord, for His name's sake.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

I shall not want?

Everyday I want...so many things! Not necessarily material things, though a new laptop would be right nice, and it seems the cravings for hummus and wheat thins will never cease. But most of those things that I want lie in the emotional or experiential realm...I want to hear a little one call me Mama, I want to love someone so deeply that it seems knit into my very being, I want to once again play my fiddle at the Todd General Store on a Friday night, I want to see my grandpa and stand with him in heaven before the God we both love. So many wants...so many wishes...so many tears when longing overwhealms the patience and hope that, most days, keeps me stable.

Why this longing for love and moments where all seems right? Why this longing to see those whose bodies decay and whose souls reside elsewhere? Why this overpowering desire to see a God that I simultaneously love and fear?

Perhaps its because that is what I was created for. Perhaps "want" is a product of the imperfection, brokenness, and chaos in which my world exists. I guess as a follower of the Lord, I believe that at one point this world was perfect, whole, and peaceful. Love never hurt. People didn't die. Music played on and on...it was the world at the end of fairytales we all wish for every now and again.

Is the very act of wanting evidence that we live in a world that is not the one intended for us and that perhaps the hope we have for a different world drives us to find it--to find that happy ending...King David wrote, "The Lord is my shephard, I shall not want." That does not mean stop wanting, and it does not mean that suffering is out of the question...it simply means that, eventually, wanting will end, love will make things whole again, and all will be right with the world. Maybe that is why John wrote so desperately, "Come Lord Jesus." He, too, knew what it meant to want and who could satisfy. Thankfully I am not alone. Thankfully hope exists, else all would seem lost.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Under the knife

Something happened for the first time today...something that has never happened before. I scheduled a surgery to rebuild my shoulder. Yes, this is my first time under the knife. Am I scared? Not really...I think I'm most afraid of all the rehab I'll have post-op, but I'm even more afraid of dislocating my shoulder again. This surgery will minimize those chances.

Its an odd thing to hear that you are broken and in need of fixing, and usually I hear it in the context of my soul or the state of the world...not in such a physical way as my anterior something-or-other tendon is completely torn and won't heal without intervention.

So, intervention is happening...faster then I expected, but that means I'll be on the road to recovery sooner. And what a road it'll be...but we'll make that turn after Tuesday. Until then, I continue to look to the Lord for peace, which he's granted, and for help...and for just a second, let me say that help showed up in the form of my dear sister who helped cut my clothes off in the emergency room, dressed me for two days when my arms couldn't move, has driven me to every doctors appointment this week, and has made me laugh, even when I was crying. Connie, you are like rain in late July...

Tuesday morning will be a long one friends, as they cut into my wee shoulder to fix all that is broken...its not all that needs fixing, but its a definite step in the right direction. Perhaps this experience will not be unlike being under the knife of the Lord...painful at first, but always leading to greater adventure (and makes for one heck of a story). One can only hope, right?

Unseen promises

So I was driving home yesterday after eating with my parents, slightly depressed and wondering what I'm going to do with my life, and just as I was exiting off 440, the most lovely rainbow appeared over the hill. It was, to me, a sweet reminder that the Lord I follow is one of promises...promises of a hope and a future, promises to always be around, promises of an abundannt life. For a moment, my eyes were off my issues and my worries as I looked to the heavens...

There is an old song that we used to sing that comes to mind as I write:

I lift my eyes up, to the mountains
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from you, maker of heaven
Creator of the Earth

So I'll continue to look towards the heavens, where my help comes from...and the Lord knows how much help I need right now.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

When it rains...

My sister walked into the emergency room last Sunday, looked at me lying in the bed hooked up to machines and unable to move my arm and just started laughing, "When it rains in pours, huh?" I laughed too...to keep from crying!

How right she was...in the span of 8 days I had left my boyfriend in Japan, both of us confused and clueless about the future, gotten sick with a sore throat, hit an undercover cop car, was diagnosed with pink eye, dislocated both shoulders, found out I have to have surgery on one of them, and had to give up my "dream" of becoming a firefighter. I had two thoughts running through my head, "What the crap?" and "Lord, what the crap?"

During those times in life when you are figuring stuff out like, "What am I doing?," and you think you've got a plan, all seems well. Then when the Lord just throws you for a loop as you dislocate your shoulders kayaking, those dreams go down the toilet, and you are left wondering, "Couldn't you have just sent me a note? Really, I would have listened." Of course He answers with, "I had to wrench Jacob's hip, my dear, and you don't want to limp the rest of your life, do you?" Should that make me thankful?

So again I find myself wondering, "What am I doing?" Well, for the meantime, I will be having surgery in the next few weeks on my right shoulder to repair the damage I did on Sunday and to prevent further dislocations. I'll be taking time off of work, looking for another job, and continuing to seek the Lord for His voice and for the sake of my community of fellow followers.

I won't lie, things aren't easy right now. There are financial concerns, emotional concerns, physical concerns...but the more I step back and trust God, the more hope I have that He has a plan much greater than the one I hoped for. Granted, His might not be easier or quite as secure, but its His, so its good. The question that now remains is how much of His plan will I accept without a fight. I just hope that He doesn't have to wrench my hip to get my attention...really Lord, you've got my attention.