Oh what a feeling...

Valentine's generally evokes thoughts of love, flowers, jewelry, candy, and, for some, suicide. For those with love lost, love unrequieted, or no love at all, Valentine's Day screams, in big red candy letters, "LEFT OUT!" That's always a good feeling, right?

As I thought about Valentine's Day, I'll admit that my heart ached. It ached real hard for someone to love and for someone to love me back. I layed on the couch in my church's prayer gallery and cried...then I got in my car and cried...then I got in my bed and cried. Everyone in my life contemplates what Valentine's dinner they will cook and how many roses to buy for the one they love. One guy even asked me, "If you were married, what would you want for Valentine's Day." To which I responded, "A husband with a little more tact."

While they plan and shop, I walk around and wonder if I'll forever walk this path alone, knowing full well that no one is running around shopping for me, nor I for them, and it breaks my heart.

So while I lay in the prayer gallery last night and mourned the unmet desires of my heart, I picked up a hymnal to sing praises, for even praises through tears are still praises, and God says that He inhabits those and I needed Him right then to be near. So I sang, song after song after song...and then I came to one of my favorites. As I sang through the verses, one line struck me as if I sang it for the first time, "Content whatever lot I see for 'tis my God that leadeth me."

I am not content being single. In fact most days I hate it, and on Valentine's Day I hate it even more, but I want to be content and trust that He does indeed lead me, and that His plans for me are good, and that He will finish the work He has started here, and that He is writing me into His story, and that He loves me deeply and hasn't forgotten me. I want to be content, but I'm not.

And when I cried that out to Him, when I finally confessed, "Lord, I hate this," He answered...it was crazy. He said, "I have not forgotten you. I am Jehovah Roi, the God who sees. You are remembered by me." Dang...

I was reminded of Hagar, kicked into the desert and left alone with her son. That is when God revealed His name to her, Jehovah Roi, for He saw her. I was reminded of the words spoken to my heart a month ago--that I am to fly in great freedom. No matter how frightening or lonely or difficult it might seem, I am to rise on wings like eagles. I was reminded by the God who sees...and I knew that I would make it.

So while my vases, candy jars, and ring finger remain empty, my heart is full. Sure, it hurts, I ain't gonna lie, but I can fly, and I will fly...I will.